Harder To Breathe
by Lady Gloredhel
Summary: John's POV about all that has happened in his life and what drove him to it.


**Rated:** PG-13 for language use  
  
**Author's Note: **I don't own any of the X-Men material in this fic and I don't own the lyrics. Those are 'Harder To Breathe' by Maroon 5.  
  
**Description**: John's POV about turning to the Brotherhood, leaving the mansion, his time spent with Bobby and Rogue, and what he has to say about it all now.  
  
**Harder To Breathe**

_How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable  
  
So condescending unnecessarily critical_  
  
They all said I was a troublemaker. I was in trouble basically all the time when I lived at home and when I was at the mansion. Most of my free time was spent in detention. The first time I remember being in trouble, it was for talking back to a teacher. Eventually that escalated. The next time, it was for beating up a kid that looked at me funny. It wasn't my fault I didn't like him. Maybe if he'd have given me the money I wanted from him, I wouldn't have had to resort to violence. Then later, I was in trouble for setting my lunch plate on fire. I was only having a little fun.

So then they kicked me out.

It was then that I burnt down my garage and was disowned by my parents. So I went to the mansion. I thought things would be different there. Because everybody was like me. But I was wrong. I still got in trouble. For flicking my lighter open and shut, for talking back to the teachers, for constantly setting stuff on fire.

Come on! I thought this place was there to exercise your mutant powers! That's all I was doing! Give me a break!

_I have the tendency of getting very physical  
So watch your step cause if I do you'll need a miracle _

And then, I have this tendency to fight with people. I can't count on both hands how many people I've beaten the living shit out of. Both at school and at the mansion. Mostly the little wimpy kids at school if they didn't do my homework for me. Not that I couldn't do it myself, I was smart, I still am. I just didn't feel like wasting my time doing it.

At the mansion I learned to pick my fights wisely. Some of the guys were bigger than me, and even some of the wimpy ones had pretty fucking amazing powers. I got the shit beat out of me twice before I learned to be selective with my opponents.

_You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here  
This Double Vision I was seeing is finally clear_

Then there was that time at Bobby's house. When the pigs were outside trying to blow our heads off. What did I try to do? Uh...save us! But then Rogue felt the need to stop me. What the fuck gave her the all-powerful tyranny to decide what I did and did not do? She drained me dry. It was then I realized something. I wasn't wanted there.

All I did was cause them trouble. Or at least, that's what I thought. Then I realized what my problem really was. I was too powerful to be there. The people at that school were teaching me to restrain my powers and use them for the better good. Well, I normally restrained my powers, but I used them once in a while for fun. Not to hurt anyone.

My powers weren't appreciated. They weren't needed. Whenever I tried to do something, someone stopped me. There was always someone watching. Even at the museum. I was only having a little fun and there comes Xavier with another lecture. I had to leave and go somewhere my powers would be appreciated.

_You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone  
Not fit to fuckin' tread the ground that I am walking on _

Then there was Rogue when she wasn't trying to piss me off by completely fucking up my plans. She pretended like she wanted to understand me at first. She tried to talk to me. And at first I actually tried to open up. But something wasn't right. She didn't get it. Fucking bitch. I knew she wouldn't. She couldn't. After all, the mansion staff babied her. Even Wolf- Boy was at her every beck and call. She could never understand my problems.

She knew I would leave. Somehow she always knew. She was never surprised, not even for a second. I think somewhere I wanted her to be sad. I was always jealous of Bobby. Honestly, not of the fact that he can't touch her because frankly, I'm a big fan of sex in any form. But I wanted a girl like Rogue who tried to understand, who would be there with me all the time.

Eventually I got all haughty around everyone. Including Rogue. None of them were good enough to be around me. They weren't good enough to do what I could do. All they were was a bunch of fucked up mutants fighting for some sliver of hope of mutant prosperity in the world. When would they see it was useless? I started to let show what I thought. I still remember what Rogue said to me once.

_"You've changed John! Why are you acting like this?" _

_ "Like what? Like me?" _

_ "Like you don't care what we're working for." _

_ "What YOU'RE working for, babe, not me." _

_ "I can't believe you John. You're such an ass." _

_ "You should have known that. All men are. I told you I was." _

_ "But I never believed you! You never acted like one!" _

_ "Why are women too stupid to believe men when they say they're an ass?" _

_ "Go to hell John." _

_ "I was already planning on that, darling." _

_ "Fuck off." _

_ "With pleasure."_

I never really talked to her after that. We were never on good terms. We fought constantly if we ever did talk. It was one more reason for me to go. I could never win the heart of Marie, which I so wanted.

_When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love  
You'll understand what I mean when I say  
There's no way we're gonna give up  
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams  
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe  
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe_

Yep. My worst fears had come out. I had nowhere to go. Nowhere I was wanted. Not that being wanted really mattered to me. I just didn't want to be at the mansion anymore. Every minute was suffocating me more. I couldn't stay there any longer. I had to leave.

_What you are doing is screwing things up inside my head  
You should know better you never listened to a word I said  
Clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat  
Hoping somebody someday will do you like I did _

And what was worse, was Rogue and Bobby. I thought Bobby was my friend. And he was—until he found out about my little fight with his dear darling Rogue. He stopped being anyone of importance in my life. I was so confused. What did it matter what happened between Rogue and I? It's not like I slept with her (Not like I wouldn't if I had the chance). We just had a fight. It had nothing to do with Bobby.

I tried to tell him what went on. He didn't listen to me. I couldn't take that. I tried to apologize to Marie, hoping Bobby would at least talk to me again. Marie didn't listen either. I started having nightmares that kept me up all night and gave me migraines in the day. I would wake up sweating. The nightmares were bringing me into reality. Everyone was turning against me. That couldn't be happening to me. Not to St. John Allerdyce. They can't fuck with me.

_Does it kill  
Does it burn  
Is it painful to learn  
That it's me that has all the control_

Then there was Alkali Lake. It was my chance. I walked out first chance I got. They didn't need me before. And frankly, I wasn't about to give them shit's worth of help if they wanted it now.

I saw the face of Magneto. Not for the first time. But I knew from the first time that he appreciated the skills I had. He could see the true Pyro within St. John Allerdyce. The one mad with power. And he gave me the chance to use that power. I left the mansion that day. I left to a better place. Where Magneto knew what I was capable of.

For once, I was in all control of my life. And I know it hurt Xavier to know. And his pain added to my strength and malice.

_Does it thrill  
Does it sting  
When you feel what I bring  
And you wish that you had me to hold_

Poor Rogue, having to live without John-baby. Ha. I hoped it hurt her when I left. She knew how good I could be to her when I wanted to. I wanted her to be jealous, to want me back. I wanted her to want _me_. I hoped leaving would make that desire a reality.

_When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love  
You'll understand what I mean when I say  
There's no way we're gonna give up  
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams  
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe_

And now I'm here, with the Brotherhood. Magneto saved me from that cold outside and he brought me inside where there were people as powerful as I was. People who were allowed to use their powers for the _real _greater good.

We never give up. We are indestructible. And I see the pain in Xavier's eyes when he looks at me being part of the Brotherhood. I just wish I saw that pain in Rogue's eyes. At least then I'd know she wanted me back.

And now I look back on it all. And in hindsight, if I couldn't have seen where I am now, I don't know what choice I would have made. I want to be powerful. And in the Brotherhood I am powerful. I don't have to hold back. But there is one thing I miss. The one thing that pushes me towards begging to return is Rogue. Jealousy is a bitch.

_Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe_


End file.
